Since my last blog post I’m feeling a lot better, spent the first day without someone shadowing me at work and I think it went very well. Not had any complaints so far 
Also feeling a lot happier money wise, fingers crossed the job will last longer than 6 weeks.
If you’re following me on Google+ you will know that I have finally got a job after a further 8 months unemployed. The downside is it’s only a temporary job for a minimum of 6 weeks.
I thought I’d be happy that I’m working again, but I’m not. There are many factors in play outside of being unemployed. I feel that I just want to pack my bags and just disappear, too much noise going on around me. Too many distractions of the wrong kind. My mind once more is in turmoil. I’m still ending up working for someone else instead of going out there and being my own boss.
I’m starting to go back to my dark times of 2006/7, pre bankruptcy, not necessarily feeling sorry for myself, just feeling miserable and really not knowing which way to turn. I just need to get away from it all, walking down to the local park just doesn’t have the relaxing factor anymore as I’m still too close to the factors that are making me unhappy. I’ve now got 2 days off before I head back to work. Normally this would be a chance for me to relax, but I know that isn’t going to happen. I’ve been stuck in this rut for far too long, I’m starting to think drastic action is called for and to stop thinking what others may think about what I’m going to do next.
You feel you are made to jump through hoops like a circus animal in order to get the slightest thing done, or to earn money to pay the rent and put food in your belly. At my age, being single I should be carefree, but I feel that there is a millstone around my neck.
I just want to take off somewhere where it is peaceful, not necessarily quiet, I don’t mind the buzz of people being around me, I like observing people and the environment around me, I cannot do that in my current situation. I feel like I’m slowly becoming detached from the world around me, not in a nice way, just in a way that I don’t want to be here anymore. I’d rather lock myself away in some fantasy world, where you know if you get hurt it isn’t real you can heal quickly and you know that there is going to be something different around the corner.
I’m not living, I’m existing, it has to stop.
I’m thinking about starting up a new blog to list these thoughts in it instead of turning people off by posting in my main blog.
If you’ve managed to read through this without zoning out or switching off then thank you for taking time to gain an insight into how I’m feeling right now.
I’ve decided I need to change what I eat, whether it will make me lose weight isn’t really my prime objective.
For a week now my energy levels have been at an all time low and my digestive system has been all over the place.
Having bacon baps every single day of the week isn’t helping matters, so after my current batch of bacon runs out, I’m going back to eating cereal and toast for breakfast.
I mainly eat chicken for lunch, so I think that’s healthy enough even with deep fried chips
Seeing as I don’t like fruit or many vegetables, I’ll start taking multi-vitamins again.
I always regret eating after 8pm, it always sends my digestive system haywire, so I’m going to have to discipline myself not to eat after that time.
I’m also going to stop drinking so many cans of coke, I’m taking in an equivalent of 8 spoons of sugar with every can, no wonder I look like a beach ball. I’m justy going to stick to 3 or 4 cups of coffee a day interspersed with water.
At my age I don’t think I’m ever going to get back to under 10 stone.
Once I find regular employment I’m going to spend a couple of days a week down the gym.
Today marks the end of the 1st week of August. It’s amazing how time flies, for me anyway.
It won’t be long before were into September, okay enough of looking that far into the future.
Let’s say I’m no further along than I was at the beginning of the month. Still no job.
Last night I took up Blizzard’s offer for a weeks free World of Warcraft play, in a way I’ve missed it, but not really that much, sure the hour or so I played flew by, but the buzz isn’t there at the moment, I’m still way off Level 85 where the really good stuff happens.
Yes I’m still planning to go to Cornwall, I’m thinking about it every single day, it’s what keeps me motivated during the monotonous soul destroying job hunt. Rental prices for property down there don’t seem to bad. The only downside is the vast majority won’t accept benefits of any kind, so I’m going to have to find quite a bit of money in order to put down a deposit and a month or more rent to keep any letting agent happy, or find a guarantor.
So I’m stuck in a vicious circle. I want to move but I can’t because I have no money, I don’t have any money because I don’t have a job and I’m finding it difficult to find a job.
I’ve thought about going to college full time, but here comes the rub, you don’t get benefits because you’re a full time student. So Mr Cameron is it really that easy to get out of the benefits culture? Me thinks not.
…arguing with people who think it’s their duty to tell other people how to lead their lives, what they should be doing at a certain age etc..
Life is too short for me to be focussing on the negatives. I’m not going to become selfish, I’ll help those who need it.
If you want to carry on telling people how to lead their lives, be my guest, I won’t be arguing with you. I’ll let someone else do that instead.
Yes we are now into the 8th month of the year. Doesn’t time fly?
My plans for the month as with every month is to try and get a job, even if it means working from home.
I was planning to go down to Cornwall for a short break this year, unfortunately at the moment that isn’t going to happen.
There are so many things up in the air due to my finances, I wish we could have a world where money wasn’t needed, then I wouldn’t have to worry so much the closer I get to my 2 weekly signing date because I’m nearly out of money.
One day I will change my tune, unfortunately today isn’t going to be that day.
Despite the warm weather I actually managed a good nights sleep. Makes a nice refreshing change, probably down to the fact I wasn’t thinking about the heat.
I love my mind at times, but at others I think I can do without it
I’m going to spend most of the day indoors, my head and the sun don’t mix that well, too long exposure and my head starts to hurt.
Also I’m going to do as little as possible in this heat, I don’t want to be falling asleep this afternoon, it will right royally bugger up my sleep pattern for the evening.
When is it time to say enough is enough? When you are fed up of keeping the peace in any situation, you just want to hold your hands up and speak what’s on your mind.
Do people really want me to be the person I was 10 years ago?
I can do all of those if you really want me to, if you really want me to be true to myself, do you really want me to unleash my demons onto the world?
I’ll have one hell of a load of less friends in the world, one hell of a lot less followers on twitter, friends on facebook. I’ll once more be known as someone with a hot temper and liable to lash out.
I thought I’d gone beyond all of that. But being where I am mentally at the moment, it seems I cannot get over that final hurdle.
So your choice. Keep the genie in the bottle or be careful what you wish for? It’ll probably make me miserable as hell, but I’d be true to myself.
Grrr, I’m suffering from a lack of focus, my mind is like a disorganised filing system, every thought just lumped into piles in no particular order. If I’m going to find employment, I’m going to have to get my mind into the zone.
I’m heading out into the fresh air it may help my mind to focus.
Any tips to help me with this would be greatly appreciated.
No it isn’t a typo, I had my back massaged today to get rid of the sharp pain.
It has worked, there was a lot of tension in my back muscles, I do get twinges now and again, but not the pain I was experience before the massage was performed.
So in turn I’m a lot happier today.